Sunday, October 9, 2011

Day 9: Connecting the Dots

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. " 
       -Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs passed away on October 5th. Immediately many people posted his commencement speech he gave at Stanford in 2005. I had read it before and liked it. I read it again and loved it. This isn't a post about Steve Jobs, although he was an innovator that created history. This is a post about connecting the dots.

Steve Jobs was not talking about Down Syndrome but when I read these sentences I felt like it spoke to me. As every future mom and dad, Andy and I had a dream of having the perfect child. She would have our green eyes, brown hair, Andy's complexion, my nose, Andy's eyesight, and my attitude (ok just kidding about the attitude!) She would play soccer. Andy would coach. We would shop and have the same shoe size. We had all of the dots laid out to be connected. And when we found out that Harper would have Ds and a heart defect and that our plan had failed. Our dots didn't connect. They fell off the page. We attempted to connect the dots looking forward but it wasn't what was intended. (Disclaimer: Don't read too much into the last few sentences. I am in no way saying that Harper can't play soccer etc. And that topic is a topic for another time.) May 6th, 2011 is a day that shaped our future and forced us to "trust in something-your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever."

 It took me awhile to realize this. That everything happens for a reason. I always said that but I don't think I fully believed it. I am aware of my positive attitude but I am not going to lie. I have cried enough tears to create a lake. But through those tears I have also looked backwards and looked at my "dots." Everything in my life has happened for a reason. To lead me up to today. To be a mommy to a daughter who is a fighter. A trooper. A strong-willed little girl who has already broken down the barriers that were set for her before she was born. 

 Little girl who decided she did NOT want to visit the NICU. 

Anyone can look backwards at their dots. I bet once you look at them and the way they connected themselves it will all make sense to you. So many times since we found out about Harper I have looked back at my dots and been amazed at why I was chosen to be a mommy to a daughter with Down syndrome. 

 Look how happy I was. Only 3 weeks until we received the diagnosis.

Bigger but still happy. Really happy and really uncomfortable! 

I have hopes and dreams for Harper. But I will let her create her own dots and they will connect themselves the way they are meant to. 


Holly. said...

Oh Kaiti! You are a phenomenal woman and Harper is lucky to have you as her mom! Thank you for sharing your story.

Heidi Ehle said...

This was a really awesome post! :)

Mama Bird said...

That is a beautiful post! Well said!